Please feed the artist

Rejection Letter 1

2006-06-20T11:45:00.000+02:00

Thank you for letting us see your material, which we have now read and considered.

Unfortunately, it is not something we feel that we could successfully represent. However, this is a personal reaction [Although evidently not a personal reply] and we wish you luck elsewhere. [No, actually you don't.]

Yours sincerely,

Mary Jones [I am going to remember that name - La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid!]
Gregory & Company

I am hoping to get every literary agency in the world on this blog before the end of the year. If you are a literary agent please email me your automated rejections and save me the time of sending you my query.

2nd rule of the starving artist – be a misogynistic bastard

2006-06-19T13:10:00.000+02:00

As my fellow starving artist Andrzej stated recently: “Who would we be -- the writers, poets and artists if we were not jealous, mean and vindictive.” If you are thinking about being a starving artist please try some of my tips in order to maximise your charm and output, whilst minimising your effort and all the time being jealous, mean and vindictive....

Here's how my weekend played out, I think it's a fairly good example.

Friday Afternoon - Jealously

Meet with your ex-girlfriend, whom you hate but have just discovered is seeing someone else. Out of spite show her picture of your amazing next-girlfriend, who just so happens to be much, much prettier. Ensure that beautiful love poetry is attached to said photograph and make it all too clear that it's meant for the stunning one in the picture.

Ensure that you're really sweet and nice with the ex, at the same time saying outloud how wonderful the new one is - and mention her beauty every three to four sentences. The ex will eventually cave in and you may now sleep with her to guarantee a relaxed demeanour in the evening.

Friday Evening - Mean

Think of your next-girlfriend, (the one you find stunningly beautiful and might end up loving) and prepare a few notes. Try to find out what she likes with subtle, probing questions and then sit down with a bottle of cheap vodka and write her a beautiful love poem. Mine was to a potential Polish girlfriend and was made with aid of beautiful a American potential girlfriend who's madly in with love me, but sadly too far away for oral sex on a regular basis so out of the loop once she goes back to Yankland.

Saturday Morning - Mean and vidicitive

Email your beautiful love poem to your ex-girlfriend to ask her for opinions. She will probably think it's for her - after all you did sleep with her yesterday - and will thus not offer any constructive critism. Not that you want any from that bitch anyway.

Saturday Afternoon - Vindictive

Post your finished poem on a poetry website with a dedication to previously mentioned potential Polish girlfriend and send her the link. Paper is traditional, but this way the whole world can see her name on a work of art. Do it well and she'll love it. You may now sit back and relax as you've just charmed her pants off. Ensure that the ex is sent the link so she can rest assured that the beautiful words were not meant for her.

Conclusion

You have managed to create a work of art that will live forever, get laid and set up two more potential lays and the workload was drastically reduced. If you think that treating women* like shit is wrong, please consider another career. I suggest the Goldern Arches, which is an equal oppurtunities employer. However, when you think about it, the women came out ok. One of them got a love poem from a soon to be famous Starving Artist and another one got to make love to a soon to be famous Starving Artist. I do feel bad for one of them and I'll write her love story soon to make up for it. I promise.** Failing that, give her the chance to make love to a soon to be famous starving artist. Depends on my mood.

*Please adjust to your own gender and sexual preferences.

**Really, I will.

1st Rule of the starving artist: sooner or later your partner is going to leave you. Get over it.

2006-06-19T08:19:00.000+02:00

Welcome to the world of a starving artist. So, dear reader, tell me, have you made that decision to abandon all reason, sense and three square meals a day in order to pursue your career as a struggling writer? Well, I have to tell you something:

What a fool you are!

This is my cautionary warning to you. For as long as I can remember I've been writing. I'm not that good, as you can plainly see, but on the other hand I'm far from being the worst. At least in my humble opinion! That dreadful little poem I posted earlier pretty much sums up my induction into the starving artist lifestyle. I wrote it about three months ago, shortly after I quit my job. Not pleased by the prospect of smoking spittly roll ups made from the discarded contents of other people's ashtrays and being fed alongside the tramps in a grotty soup kitchen my girlfriend ran away. If you want to be a starving artist please remember to ask your partner first.

The Best Week of My Life

2006-06-19T07:58:00.000+02:00

It's supposed to be the best week of my life.
A driving fit of madness has driven me from a job I can no longer stand.
I walked out. Walked out that door and I never said a word.
And I'm free, I'm free. And I'm going to be me.

But how will you live? I hear them ask.
And I say I don't know. And I don't care.
And what will you do? I hear them ask.
I will paint the world my friends, paint the world.

But she's just found out.

It's supposed to be the best week of my life.
A driving fit of madness has driven her from this man she could no longer stand.
She walked out. Walked out that door and never said a word.
And she's free, she's free. She's had to flee.

Now how can I live? I hear myself say.
And I say I can't. And I say I won't.
And what will you do? I hear them ask.
I will end the world my friends, end the world.

By Me